My Future isn’t a Destination

When I thought about my first month in Guatemala, I didn’t imagine myself quarantining in a hotel after having tested positive for COVID. In fact, I didn’t ever see myself having COVID in the first place. I had this grand story already mapped out in my head of life-changing miracles and glorious moments of redemption. Though I’m sure those moments are bound to come, I now realize my mistake. 

It’s our 6th day of quarantine, and at the beginning, I remember wondering why I was benched so early. I thought I was doing so well, embracing the missional lifestyle with as much gusto as possible. I was using my Spanish, providing hope in moments of hopelessness, and even sharing parts of my testimony with others. Then, I tested positive for COVID, and immediately started a 10 day quarantine. At that moment, I felt like God pushed me to the side, almost as if I had done something wrong. 

I admit I experienced moments of denial; I didn’t want to believe that within the first week of my mission trip, I was hiding in a hotel, trying to get better from symptoms that I barely felt. I had waited weeks to get to Guatemala only to find myself waiting some more once I got here. I’m sure we can all agree that the time spent waiting is the hardest, especially if you have little to no patience in the first place. But, of all the lessons I have learned thus far, the most influential have come in those moments of waiting. Let’s just say, God did it again. 

The day before I left for launch, I was angry with God, and I mean angry. Until that point, the World Race was a dream, something that wouldn’t feel real until I stepped off the plane in Guatemala. However, the one thing that was very real to me at the time was the parts of myself that I was losing– the identity and future that I had built around myself for so long. 

Since high school, teachers, family, and friends would always ask the same question: what do you want to do in the future? I never knew what to say because I was never a very proactive thinker when it came to my future career or life decisions. I’m a type B person, so I go with the flow on most things. However, that doesn’t mean I didn’t know what I wanted my life to look like in the future. Instead, if they would have asked me what my life would look like in the future, I would have responded with a novel: “I would graduate college from here, be married by this time, with kids by this age, yada yada yada…” The story would go on until the person who asked the question lost interest. I had my future planned out, and the disappointing part was that I didn’t ask God for His opinion, which was my first mistake. 

So, as I was pacing the beach the day before launch, it dawned on me that the future in front of me looked nothing like the one I had created. I had graduated, yes. But, I wasn’t married, I didn’t have kids, and I was doing something that was completely out of my normal– I was a missionary. How could God do that to me? How could He take the future that I created and completely throw it down the drain? I was devastated. Not only did I not get the future I wanted, but I also felt like I didn’t have a say in the future that He had for me. God stripped me of my identity and my future to make me a clean slate for Him to work with. Of course, I didn’t really see it that way until I was on the other side. 

Once we got to Guatemala, we hit the ground running. It just felt like nothing was working out; we were faced with issues on all fronts. My teammate got sick, we couldn’t pull money out of an ATM, some of our programs were cancelled, then to top it off, I tested positive for COVID. With a snap of God’s fingers, everything stopped, and I checked into a hotel where I would spend the next 6 days waiting. To be honest, I was kind of grateful for the break, but I still couldn’t wait until I got back into the field. I was waiting for the future again. Little did I know, that was the lesson God was trying to teach me. See, Guatemala provided the perfect distraction from my issue that had been left unresolved on the beach.

My entire life, I have been living for the future. I have been so focused on what my life is going to look like tomorrow, next week, next year, that I haven’t been able to embrace what God is doing today. That was what He started on the beach the day before launch, and my quarantine was the perfect opportunity for God to show me how to live in the moment and how to rest in the present. 

The reason it hurt so bad when the Lord took my future away was because for a moment, I didn’t have anything to live for. All my years spent toiling over my future and imagining its greatness were wasted. Everything that I had been living for since I was younger was different from the life I was actually living. But, now as I find myself in the future that I never would have imagined, the present seems all the more beautiful because I’m finally living for what God has given me. 

Julian Baker from One Tree Hill (yes, I’m quoting One Tree Hill) once said, “I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination.” The same could be said for our futures, no? It’s normal for people to focus on their future. People save money for retirement, plan vacations months ahead, or even wait for the right moment to start something (whatever that something may be). We are always waiting for the future to do the things that we want. But, the future isn’t a destination; it’s a mystery. 

In the craze of building a beautiful future, we often forget to see the splendor of the present, and the beautiful gift that the Lord has given us. The future isn’t guaranteed; in fact, tomorrow isn’t even promised. So, why are we living like it is? 

If God has taught me anything over these last couple days in quarantine, it’s to embrace the present. Most people focus on the journey’s end, considering the future to be the whole reason for the journey in the first place, but I’ve found that the journey is just as important. I mean, you wouldn’t read just the ending of a book, would you? Our lives are our stories, and the endings are so much better when you know the journey it took to get there. So, don’t let now get away from you because now is all you have. My encouragement to you is to slow down, experience the present, and if you’re daring enough, forget your future. All God needs is your present to take you to a future you never would have imagined. Good luck!