Lordship Over Logistics

It’s easy to agree to travel, even easier when the places included are places you’ve always wanted to visit. When God told me to join missions, specifically the World Race, the hard part wasn’t the eleven months I would spend overseas away from family and friends or the tricky task of spreading God’s love to people of different cultures and languages: it was how much it cost. I dreamed of traveling the world and was excited just imagining all the places I would see. The only issue, however, was I seemed to be a little short on money, $18,700 to be exact. 

After allowing my mom, my sister, and most importantly God to talk me into applying for the Race, I hoped the amount would disappear, like an anchor sinking into the deep waters of my mind, and it did. The anchor sunk, burying itself in the sand between worry and anxiety, halting my dreams in their place. I tried to push past it, dragging the metal shank around mentally as I struggled to fill out the application, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t overcome the $18,700 weighing me down. It was too heavy of a burden for me, the thought I would need that much money. 

Like the anchor that it was, the cost held my dreams at the forefront of my mind, stopping any and all progress on my application. For a week, I struggled with God, asking why He would ask something of me that cost so much or how He expected me to come up with all this money. I remember thinking at the end of the week that I would just “forget” about the application and let the due date slip by without my submission. But, of course, God wouldn’t let me. 

That Sunday morning, I walked into church and greeted the friendly faces holding open doors, settling myself in the fifth row from the stage, ready to hear what God had to say to me. And, boy did He have stuff to say. After worship with tears already rolling down my cheeks, I watched as our pastor climbed the steps, his dress shoes thudding against the stage’s wooden paneling. He thought for a moment, the mic clutched to his heart as he listened to God’s voice in his ear. Then he slowly began to speak, “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but God’s telling me to say don’t worry about the logistics.” 

I froze, feeling my heart grow heavy and a pit in my stomach. Pastor thought again before marching across the stage with the mic hovering in front of his mouth. 

“He said, don’t worry about how much it’s going to cost or how you’re gonna get the money. Don’t think about the logistics, but think about the Lordship.”

Even after the church had gone back into worship, a crowd of voices singing around me, His words rang in my ears. God had heard my worries; He had seen the hesitation and fear, and He was determined not to let it stop me. In that moment, sitting in the foam chairs, more tears streaming down my face, my worries were subdued. The anchor had been lifted slightly, and I felt so free, knowing that God had called me to go and would get me there. 

But, if you know anything about fundraising (even God-approved fundraising), the moments of doubt never fully go away until you meet your goal. Though I finished the application and was accepted, the anchor was still there. It was time for me to get to work, and for a week, I hit fundraising hard. I made business cards to put in graduation announcements, created brochures about the Race to pass around, and even talked to my professors about sending out notifications to their classes about my journey into missions. I did all this work, but still I worried about whether I would hit the mark. No matter how hard I yanked on the chain, my anchor didn’t budge, and again doubt resurfaced. 

The next week, as I was driving to work, I unloaded all my frustrations and doubts onto God, literally screaming in the car that was barreling down the highway. I told him again how stressed I was, how this heavy anchor only seemed to weigh me down, pulling me beneath the waves. Then, in the midst of my emotional storm came the most peaceful melody. 

For those who read my first blog, you remember that my 7th grade year was pretty significant for me (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out “I Was a Modern Day Jonah”). At the time I received my life verse, Psalms 32:8, Oceans by Hillsong UNITED was fairly popular, and it became an important song for me. Every time I heard that song, I was reminded of the trust God asked for, the desire to relinquish my own control and rest in the fact that God had a plan.

That day, when I felt at my lowest, God silenced the storm around me. I hadn’t heard Oceans on the radio in years, and within hearing the first notes, I was reduced to tears. For the first time, I really listened to the lyrics: 

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown

Where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

 

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours

You are mine

 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed

And You won’t start now

 

In that moment, as I allowed the lyrics to wash over me, I felt a peace that only God could provide. Everything seemed to fade– my worry, my doubt, even the 18,700lb anchor– and I was able to rest in the fact that my God was victorious, but of course, He wasn’t done yet. Then came the chorus: 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

For the many years that I had been singing that song, I never fully realized the words I proclaimed over my life. Though I strayed as a young adult, this song stuck with me, still having the same effect on me it had when I was thirteen, but I never recognized the power of these lyrics. 

I realize now that God is only doing what I have been asking Him to do. His spirit is leading me to eleven different countries where I will spread the love of Jesus and share the Good News. He is asking me to do things that are hard, that will make me feel like I can’t take another step, like my feet can’t move any further. But, that’s the beauty of God, isn’t it? When I feel like my feet are sinking into the waves, it’s His steady hand that pulls me out and carries me the rest of the way. This trip isn’t about me or my desire to travel the world, but about God and His love for His creation, so I ask one more time, God: 

Lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

So that my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior. 

Now, when I look at that $18,700, I no longer see a heavy anchor, only keeping me from going forward. Instead, I see a propeller, sending me overseas where I can only imagine the things God will do. 

With that being said, I’m not writing this blog to beg for money. By all means, if you feel led to donate, I will not stop you, and I would greatly appreciate it. However, I truly wrote this post so that people could see God’s work in my life. $18,700 is a lot of money, but if God can do this for me, imagine the other seemingly impossible things He will do. Also, one day when my faith needs another recharge (though I hope it doesn’t), I and many others will be able to look back and see the things that God has already done. I may not have reached my goal yet, but I know that God is going to get me there. He is bigger and stronger than anything I  face, and as long as I am aligned with Him, I can do anything.